Rest & Reset for Tired Teens

By Andrea Holt - Eden Co.’s Board President

My Story

It was late at night in our little home. My husband quietly slept in our bed as I sat there reading. My daughter, only 15, slowly pushed the half-opened bedroom door. She peeked at me with her sweet face and smile. She asked me a question about the next day's plans and told me about a possible job opportunity for her. She was asking if she could go to a party and then a sleep over with some of her girlfriends the next night. She took a big breath and began telling me that she was going to try to make it to volleyball tryouts and that we could not be late for her Segment 2 driving test the next day. "Wow, you sure do have a lot going on tomorrow!" I said quietly. My daughter looked at me and her eyes filled. Her hands went to her neck as she whispered that her neck was hurting and she didn't feel well. My daughter has been struggling with POTS for the past year and has been navigating life with that diagnosis. The week had been a lot for her and she said quietly, "I am so anxious and I can't sleep and I can't even get my stupid brain to shut up". I looked her in the eyes and softly said, "I am so sorry honey you're dealing with a flareup and feeling anxious." She was fighting back tears as I jumped up out of bed and hugged her and walked her back to her room. She began crying and wanting me to help her get meds from her Dr. for the noise in her head. She began crying harder as she explained that she was anxious about starting school and that she wasn't going to do well. All of these emotions and feelings pent up inside of her, pushing at her mental dam, finally gave way to a flood of tears and fear. Everything inside me wanted desperately to take away all the "crazy busy" and to just make space for her to have rest. Yes! That's it! How could I have forgotten? She needed a day of rest, a sabbath for her soul. I needed that. We all needed that. But how? When?

The Very Real, Everyday, Struggle

I know this story is not unfamiliar to many families with teens and young adults. There is so much pressure to do everything and to be everything. We all want the best for our children and we want them to take advantage of every opportunity that is available to them. They want this too, but what they don't understand is that there is a downside to all of this "crazy busy" as I so fondly call it these days. I can't really even say that I am without responsibility in all of this as a parent. I too have a fully loaded calendar and even multitask when I am with my family, with a phone in my hand and notifications buzzing demandingly. "How? Why? This isn't supposed to be this way!" loops in my thoughts constantly. I know there is better. I tell my children there is better. We try to make it better, but it's not ever fully successful. Then the guilt trip starts. Buckle up!

I know there is much controversy about cell phones and social media use by teens. I know there are endless amounts of studies and reports declaring the harmful effects of cell phone use and the harm done to the developing brain. As an educator and youth pastor, I wholeheartedly agree with most of it. Parents should be teaching their teens about responsible cell use and how to be safe. Then we should, as parents, continue to monitor and oversee our teens because, well, let's face it, they forget and often test boundaries. But one thing that is even harder than this, is to teach our children how to have a break from the phones. I see parents demand "no phone" days and turn off service. I have seen parents aggressively snatch phones from their teen's hands and scream at them for not paying attention. Yikes! "Go do something!" or "Read a book!" parents will demand, frustrated with the whole dilemma. I get it! Let's be honest though, I am not any better when it comes to giving myself a break from my phone or computer. How can I expect them to do the same?

The "Hamster Wheel" of Life

Some teens are in multiple sports and clubs and pretty much live out of a car for months at a time while struggling to meet academic deadlines and preparing for exams. They eat on the run and struggle to stay properly hydrated. Their parents look like zombies as they Uber their teens from one game, one tournament to the next. Who is doing the laundry and cooking a hot meal? No time to worry about that right now! They get home late in the evening after a long day of classes, practices, games and wonder if they're just tired or that they're "weak" and just need to push harder the next day. A hot shower and a quick look at their homework and before they know it they're asleep. It is just a matter of time before the anxiety and emotional stress will take a toll on their developing mental health.

God Desires to Restore Us

"Will we go to church Sunday?" they all quietly ask themselves. Definitely not going to make it to youth group this week. We just need one morning to sleep in and do the chores we couldn't get to this week. We just need to catch up with our "crazy busy" lives. No true sabbath for us this week. The seasons come and go and we forget that God has more for us. He has rest for us because he loves us. He loves us for who we are and for how he created each one of us so uniquely. He does not love us for what we do or accomplish. He loves us simply because he just does. God desires to restore us. This is what I shared with my daughter late into the night. "There is rest for you my sweet girl. There is restoration for your tired mind and body." But it takes a simple choice on our part to make time and space for this to happen.

Teens need sabbath as much as adults do. Sabbath is a designated time to cease from work and to rest. The Hebrew word "shabbat" means cessation from work and a time of holy rest. Sabbath is not a punishment or time-out. Sabbath is a time to celebrate God's creation and to rest. Going to church or youth group is just a small part of this for our family. My husband and I realized that our teens will not enter into Sabbath on their own. We needed to do it too and most often together! What? How? You mean... spend time together? YES! I agree that it can become tense at times and that expectations are high. That's ok! Just because it is awkward or uncomfortable does not mean it is wrong and you should give up. Do not give up! Do not stop trying! It will get better and God will give you grace. It broke my heart last Christmas when my son said he loved Christmas Day because no one in the family had to go to work, school or sports. Everyone was together, just the five of us, snacking, talking, laughing, listening to each other's stories and just being grateful together. It was the best day for me as well.

Matthew 11:28-29 says, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls." Jesus knew our tendencies and that struggles were just part of being human. The striving to get everything right and to meet expectations is just the human way. I thought it would be different as I became an adult. I thought that everything would be easier and I would have freedom. It was not the case. Nor will it be the case for the teens we love. So how can we help them learn to enjoy the sabbath? How can we help them know that God has rest for them as well and that he can restore their weary souls?

So many teens I work with are overstimulated and distracted. TV, video games, cell phones, athletics, band etc. are constantly buzzing notifications at them fighting for their attention. They are not able to compartmentalize their lives. They are dissociating from real life all around them. They doom scroll or get lost in video reels that are not life-giving in the least. They struggle to have the tools to navigate the typical challenges of life and revert to watching others live their "best lives" instead of doing that for themselves. I know the struggle is real and powerful, I face it every day myself. There is one difference though, God has given us the gift of sabbath. It is contrary to our culture and definitely does not get enough stage time.

Great Info, But How Do We Do This?

As an educator, application of new information is critical. I hear students every day say, "Yes, but how Mrs. H?" I am so happy you asked! I know it isn't practical to practice sabbath rest completely one day every week in the traditional sense. It is definitely harder with my teens as they work odd hours and go to school. Maybe start with a couple of hours a week. Making time for a sabbath rest simply starts with setting a date and a time. It may not be the same time every week. The point is to make the time. Look at the calendar. Talk about ideas and what you want it to look like. Nothing is off the table so to speak. The point is to make space and time to rest and to reflect on the goodness of God.

For example, Advent is a beautiful time to reflect on the Christmas season, the gift of a savior, Jesus Christ. I looked up a daily Bible reading plan for advent. I found one about the "light" of Christ. I sent a text to the family asking if anyone would like to join me each evening for about 20 minutes to read, reflect and pray with me. I put together simple note cards and pens in a little box. Everyone could bring their own Bible or use their Bible app. I honestly did not think anyone would do it with me. I call this model "Sabbath Snacks". Surprise Mom! Everyone wanted to do it. It was pretty late in the evening, around 9pm, because that's when everyone was available. We each read our verse quietly, wrote it on our card along with our personal reflection. Then we shared our version or thoughts or both with the others. I thought I would have to coax it out of them, but that was not the issue. The reflection time was so very special and we all took turns praying. I was not expecting the teens to pray. My husband and I were prepared to pray each night. This was a surprise to hear my teens pray for the prayer requests and to talk to God as a family. I didn't have any expectations other than they would come each night.

Other ideas for sabbath could include a picnic or family dinner. I find that food is perhaps the greatest draw for teens. Favorite meals or snacks are quite effective in helping to create a meaningful sabbath for teens. My husband has come up with discussion questions that are not necessarily considered spiritual, but very effective. For example, "If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go and why?" Guess what? No one was fussing with their phones. Everyone is engaged and enjoying the discussion and listening! Many times, friends or family are joining us. Everyone is welcome and the conversations always wander to the gifts of God for us. Sabbath is a time to rest and restore. It is not a time to discuss bad attitudes or give a lecture. Give the "confrontation" stuff a break. Remember, sabbath is a gift to us from God because he loves us and wants us to have "life and to have more abundantly" not depleted and running on fumes exhausting ourselves physically and emotionally.

The dollar store has many options for journaling or note taking supplies. Listening to music or planning a game night. Making space for a "tech free" moment is key. For the youth group each week, I make time for students to grab their journals and a Bible I keep for them, put on some instrumental worship music, give them a couple of scripture references on the love of God and His promises for us, and then they find a cozy place to sit. We are quiet and reflective. All of us! It is amazing to see even the youngest of our group engage. We take time to share in small groups and pray together. My teens and many others are now telling me that they are doing this on their own at home. I also do deep breathing with my students and my own family. We do it before we begin to read our verses. It helps to calm the nervous system and our brains. Deep breathing tells our bodies and minds that we are safe and clear to receive what God is speaking to our hearts. This type of sabbath language is awkward at first, but that is okay! Keep at it. Don't give up!

Start Small and Easy! You've Got This.

In conclusion, sabbath is God's idea. Exodus 20:8-11 says that God worked hard and came up with the idea of Sabbath. He wanted to rest and he wanted his creation to rest as well. He even blessed it and called it "holy". There may be preconceived ideas of what Sabbath should or should not be. That is not the point. In Matthew 12:1-11 Jesus said to do good on the Sabbath and that it will honor God. OKAY! I can do that. We can all do that. Go on a hike. Be in nature. Spend time with friends or family. Silence your phone and close the laptop. Try a new craft or puzzle. Legos, snacks and music are super chill and lend to great discussion times. Remember and reflect on God's goodness and faithfulness to you this week. Sabbath will become something your teens look forward to and will be more willing to participate each time. Their tired, overstimulated bodies and minds will remember how good it felt to rest in the love of God and you may be surprised to see how they grow in their love for their family, friends and God.